He Is So Into You

Get ready, ladies. In this post, I, for once and for all, will shed some light on how to tell if he is interested or not. Although we women always know it deep inside but, for some reason, sometimes don't want to face the truth. If however you love yourself and know your worth, knowing and accepting this truth will save you time and heartache in your search for love. Don't waste your time. Be smart.

As usual, I turned to my male friend to give me his insights first.

Me: "How can you tell if the guy is really interested? And not just a fling, but a relationship."

Man: "It's so simple. You just see it in his actions. It's palpable. He'll do things (even crazy things) to show her he is into her. Give her a lot of attention, initiate seeing her as much as possible. He'll take her out to great places, send her flowers, listen to what she is into, and make plans accordingly. He'll be generous. He won't be aggressive in trying to get her into bed right away. Definitely not expect to get between the sheets after just 3-4 dates. He'll be patient. Let her make that move. Basically he'll go all the way, without reservation."

So you see ladies, when he is really into you, it is so obvious you don't ever have to question it. If you need to wonder and ask your girl-friends "Why hasn't he called/texted/followed up/etc..., it means that he has something else more exciting to catch. Yes, men are hunters, and they'll hunt to the end for the one they want. So quit those pointless "excuse finders", i.e. he is busy at work, he's traveling, and especially excuses like the following: "It's me, I didn't show enough interest", "I did something wrong".

Please don't ever question yourself. It's not you. If it's your guy, he'll get you. You'll never have to question yourself with him, for he wants you the way you are.

I've always known it, and it's been the truth I followed through all of my dating experiences. I wouldn't even be interested in a guy who's not making his best effort to win me over. He needs to pursue, he needs to move the mountain to even get my interest. Otherwise, I am not interested. What's the point?? If he didn't put any effort into it in the beginning, how will he appreciate you going forward?

For some unknown reason, I do meet a lot of women who either don't see it or don't want to see it. So if you want the truth and simply don't see it, this post is for you. Stop questioning yourself. You're the goddess, and deserve to be treated as such. And please believe me, once you hold this belief and won't accept any guy who makes you question, there will be a man (or many men) who will go out of their way to get your attention, to see you, to make you smile. Just take my word for it.

Just see how we all appreciate something that comes harder to us, something we need to work for. That short 5-day vacation once a year. It's so precious, we savor every day, every minute of it. And how would you feel about it, if you could go on a vacation every month for more than a week? You wouldn't care so much, would you?

It's the same case with everything in life. Value increases as attainability decreases. Know your worth. You are your own appraiser. Ultimately, it is up to you, whether you want a man who'll treat you like a princess and you'll bloom like a flower with him. Or you'll be spending your time asking your friends, driving yourself crazy and losing your self-confidence.

What serves you right is for you to decide. But I inspire you to discover your divine female power and only let those men into your life who'll match it up and take it higher.

My love to you!

Guys behind the scenes

A few weeks ago, an extremely rare opportunity presented itself. I had a chance to spend quality time alone with 4.5 guys on their boat, on FIre Island. First, let me explain 4.5. One of the guys was drunk asleep, making few noises now and then. Common scene really, as I figured out. The rest of the guys, although drinking the whole night, were in a decent condition.

Second, let me explain Why and How I ended up with 4.5 guys on the boat! Please don't rush with your conclusions! It's not what it seems :)

Basically, during our visit to the famous Fire Island (please read about it on my sister blog NY Life), my girl-friend met a guy she liked, and they hit it off. As the night was progressing, and I started making some suggestions (only suggestions) about leaving the Fire Island and going back home, she got all sad.. "Such a nice guy, and we have to go?" Not surprisingly, he turned out a team player, and invited us to his friend's boat. Quick fact: the boat belongs to twin brothers, and other guys are chipping in to use the facilities.

Once we established that I didn't want to "hook up" with anyone (the question I was asked right away!) the guys let me be. Although attempts were made during the eve/night, I made it clear that everything would be nicely described on my blog with a great detail. That was enough to keep them straight all night, and most amazingly, be themselves around me.

The night progressed as follows: guys drinking bear, smoking w**, getting off the boat, getting back on with people they met inland. People coming and going. Traffic didn't stop for a few hours. I was on the boat the whole time, and so was my girl-friend with her guy. The rest of the guys would come and go. When they realized I appreciated their sense of humor, they spent more time entertaining me instead of making trips to the bar inland. It was a stand-up comedy live, all for me! I felt special :)

As you assume the traffic to the boat consisted of lots of girls, all kinds, pretty, not pretty, drunk, not drunk. As I was watching all this, I was waiting for "something" to happen. You know, something you'd expect guys with a boat would do. Good looking guys, let me add. One of the "ladies" tired of waiting, started blatantly hitting on one of them. He stayed unamused.

I was waiting, all excited to get some juicy material for my blog. When again will I have such an opportunity to witness firsthand how guys get girls? and in such a classic scenario: Fire Island, expensive boat, good looking self-confident, successful guys..

So imagine my shock when they simply decided to call it a night, and stay in, guys only. Except for me, of course.. They locked the door and pulled up the ladder to make sure there would be no more visitors, and showed me who they really were.
That night I learned who guys really are, behind the scenes with no one around..

First, they made fun of each other, saying silly stuff and no one got offended. And the more we laughed, the more they joked about each other.
Once we decided who sleeps where (I was even given a clean T-shirt and the only blanket available), they put on "Flavor Flav", and one by one we fell asleep to watching a funny comedian. It felt like home. When my girl-friend decided to check on us, she was shocked to see such idyll. The guys who were partying just awhile ago, were peacefully lying, watching TV all alone.

What I learned that night: Guys are much more innocent and simple than we think. They don't always just want to get girls, and/or get laid. Yes, they want to have fun, they want to get out there, and get some attention. But at the end of the night, they just want to be comfortable with their buddies, have some laughs, have some body reactions (we girls would never have in presence of anyone), fall asleep and sleep like babies.
And most importantly, they just want to be funny! Being very giggly by nature, not only did I fit in, but let them be the best they could be :). Final verdict: every guy secretly wishes to be the funniest. I couldn't be happier, as sense of humor is one of the 3 qualities I need in a man to make it to my heart. Good for you guys!

Burning questions answered, The List

Lately, I've been hearing a lot about "The List". You know, the one with the qualities we are looking for in a partner, the so called "must-haves" in order to make it to our hearts and minds.

It's no surprise to me that we all have a list in one way or another. But what surprised me is how different those lists are between women and men. You would think ladies would have a list much longer and more detailed? I can almost read your minds accusing women of their choosiness.
So I am here to actually shock you that my observation and investigation have proved men to be much pickier and less flexible when it comes to finding "The One".

As usual my research started with a trusted male colleague at work, when I asked him to tell me his top 3 qualities. When I got 3 long paragraphs from him, I realized it was a lot more complicated.. or could it be that I didn't phrase my question right? I thought I asked for top 3 qualities.. did I somehow mistyped 3 with 33...
Anyway, I didn't get what I expected: Smart, Sexy, Beautiful. Instead I got a long description of a perfect (could it be?) woman. She is the best friend and lover. She laughs at his silly jokes and even foolish behavior. She is feminine but not too sensitive and doesn't get offended too easily. She is beautiful and classy and yet can be low key when needed. She is an amazing and caring lover, and basically a sex maniac (with him only). She is easy to be around but she challenges him intellectually. She laughs at his jokes and silly behavior but will be serious when he needs someone to take his place ( I guess fill in his shoes..). She has her own life plan (career, hobbies) but takes care of him and the family. She is a great mother of course. She is intelligent but very easy going. She is faithful and respectful of others. She complements his strengths and fills in his weaknesses... and most importantly,  she makes me happy ALWAYS...

Wow I got exhausted simply typing all this. Is it even possible? I don't think James Bond has a list half as long. I believe his only requirements are: Sexy, Sexual and Sensual.

Well my friend did mention that if he simply wants to have fun the "List" is not as important and he can forgo a few requirements. However if he is looking for a long-term partner, a marriage, "The List" must be met.

After this revealing and somewhat disturbing (for me) conversation, I started "The List" project, i.e. inquiring and gathering data on males' "must haves'. Girls, all I can say is Good Luck!! or as 50 Cents would probably say: Become the List or Die trying..

In the end I realized whatever men proclaim they still fall in love and get married simply because the woman they want is a myth but everybody wants to love somebody sometime. So I assume somewhere along the way the list gets lost in those wonderful exciting moments they have with some special girl, perhaps the one who makes them smile:)

Bonus in the end of my research: My male colleague stated that I most likely would qualify for his list :) wink.. I passed on the application.. Simply don't want to fight against the impossible.
The rest of the participants also re-assured me that I was an extremely promising case. Thanks guys... But frankly I think it's easier to be a president...

P.S. My list surprised all participants:
1) Sense of humor (makes me laugh, which is easy to do really);
2) Stability (financial, emotional, mental, etc);
3) Sexual compatibality (on the same sex wavelength with me:)

What can I say I am a big fan of Minimalism. easier to keep track..

  

Now you see it, Now you don't

A few days ago, I had an eye-opening conversation with one of my male friends. Ladies, I am sure you'll have a "WTF" moment once you read it. Sit down, get a glass of wine (or two).

First let me introduce to you my friend Z. He is a modern-day gentleman. Besides perfect manners and nearly impeccable sense of style, he is also a team player, fun and easy going. He has that ability to make you feel so comfortable with him that you open up, you laugh, you share your secrets. And I only scratched the surface since I only experienced him in a friend category. From many many girls who not only disclose their secrets to him but also their bodies, I get a sense that he knows his way around the ladies very well. I even suspect he is the guy who is as close as any man can get to a what-women-want discovery. And he doesn't seem like a player, I don't think he is, he just loves women and knows how to treat them. In return, women fall for it and follow his lead. Basically, girls like him, girls' parents like him, girls' pets like him. I've witnessed myself. My sweet Josephine (my pet) is all over him whenever she sees him.

This is just a little description so you understand that the story I am about to share is about a nice guy (in all ways).

So he shared his last romantic adventure with me. He dated a girl for a couple of months. They went out, he would always pick her up, he took her to nice places, he always picked up the bill (even when she insisted), he gave her flowers, he picked her up from the airport!! Really it's been my dream forever that my guy would pick me up from the airport. I even have an image how I run and jump into his arms and we kiss right in the middle of it and it would feel like Paris... Still fantasizing...

So he's been a perfect gentleman all along. He took care of her, he showed her attention, lots of attention. I was almost excited that romance does happen in our modern day life. And then he dropped the bomb. Apparently, he didn't feel any chemistry with her and the whole time they dated he wanted to break up with her. I was confused. Why did you do all those nice romantic things, showed her that she was special? His answer: She is a good person and I am a gentleman. I would behave the same way with any woman.

Maybe that's noble, but I was shocked. How can it be? If you are not into someone you don't give them flowers and pick them up from the airport and have sex with them and then break up the next day. She had no idea, she had no signs, no warnings. Maybe if she did, she would at least get a case of wine ready, and girl-friends waiting to pick her up and drink all that wine. No, she thought it was amazing and the guy was falling for her. Only to have her trust broken in the end.

And then I remembered that I had the same experience in my life once. The only guy that ever broke up with me did the exact same thing: showed me nothing but his attention. He was all over me. And then one day after the basketball game (and after the night we had sex) he broke up with me. I wasn't even as much upset as I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. And though I knew he wasn't the One for me, I was still devastated. Why wouldn't you give me some signs? I already got you a Xmas present and a BD present you had next month! I need to get you out of my body first before I can break up with you..

At least when I broke up with my ex's I would first become distant, I would talk to them about it, I would lead them to it. I wouldn't just hit them in the head with my break-up. It's simple human compassion and respect for what you had.

In the end, I realized that it could happen anytime, to anyone. What a girl to do? If it had never happened to me, I would have said that you should be able to pick up on some signs. But I know there might be no signs. Besides the doubts I had about him being the right guy for me, I saw no signs from his side.

So instead I will address all men who ever broke up in a similar way or contemplating it. Be a man. Don't mislead her, tell her how it is. Break ups are not beautiful, there should be no flowers, no freaking games, and certainly no sex. Honesty will serve you so much better and you might even transition into a nice fleeting memory and maybe respect. But going the tricky route will only put you in a "never trust, avoid that guy by all means" category. Make your choice.

My preference: Always be real, be you. Not being honest is not being yourself, not accepting yourself. But it should be your job to resolve it for yourself and not through others. It takes strength.

Burning questions answered, Part IV

"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it"
Marilyn Monroe

Me: Earlier you said "I would want someone strong, independent, honest, loving etc. I need to feel if I leave this world that you are strong to take care of yourself and my child.” I have a lot of girlfriends who are married and don't work, and everyone seems to be happy (at least to the world). And then I have girlfriends who are financially independent and are strong women but have difficulty finding a lifetime partner. The issue is almost always the same: They are too strong and independent.
So my question is do men REALLY want a strong woman with a career or just say it but choose the one who stays home and makes him the center of her world (allegedly).

Man: Yes, when it comes to dating you want a woman who is independent and strong but it changes in a marriage. If two people are working it could hurt a relationship because both parties are tired or busy. When a woman stays home, a man feels comfortable knowing that the kids are in good hands. He knows that when he comes home he can make love to his wife and not hear how tired she is from all day at work.

Me: But then it disagrees with what you said that you want a strong/independent woman who can support the family if something happens to you.. I am confused..

Man: Taking care of a family is an important responsibility. The difference is the women who Don't want to work at all. She should be able to go back to work if husband walks out on her and not look for another man to support her.

Me: Hmm.. But what if she says she wants to work but it really isn't true. How do you know? I have friends who only say it to their men but don't put in any effort.

Man: Communication is a big thing in this case. You need to share plans and ideas and always strive for growth.

Me (still confused and persistent): Communication is one thing. But reality shows me that it's women with no careers, no ambition that have a man who loves them and takes care of them. And then the women who are strong and independent (myself included) are too much to handle for the man's weak ego?

Man: Because what you say you want in life and what you actually get are 2 different things. He may want an independent woman but gets caught up with other things and then doesn't care about it too much. Most men settle in a relationship. Still it doesn't mean he WOULDN'T want a strong and independent woman.

Ok, I wasn't getting anywhere. It's a man's mind, it's a man's world. But one thing I clearly get is that men can say one thing but do the other. They can say they love you but go and sleep with another woman. They can say they admire you but go and marry the one who admires them. They can say they can't live without you but then go and live with the one who makes him her center of the world.

It's my understanding that most men can't handle strong women simply because there are not that many strong men. Only a strong man has control over his ego and is not afraid to have an equal partner who can be his lover in bed and business partner at the same time. But those are few and we still have to deal with the big E in our lives (man's Ego). Women who are good (and willing) actresses find a man to take care of them, women who don't have time or desire to play "male ego" games have challenges finding a partner. And women who refuse to play (me) will only see themselves with one of those few. Yet even if he is one in a million it's still worth waiting. Settling is never an option. Then it's living someone else's life and that's is the worst thing you could do to your soul. Might as well call it a day and go to a temple for the rest of your life.
But any woman (dependent, independent, strong, weak) wants to be a true woman. And only with a true man could she ever be.

Consequences of "Burning Questions Answered, Part III"

In my last post, after a significant shock endured, I proclaimed that I would once again focus on Me, Myself and I. In the end, this is so much easier to handle than love matters..

True to myself, that is exactly what I've been doing. I've started thinking about my life and the future. But you would think It's Fantastic, right? Well let me tell you, my reaction to this question is the same as of an any man when asked by his woman "Where are we standing and Where is it going?" Yes, terrified and unsure, wishing this question never popped, and the conversation didn't just wait to follow. But it's out there and you know, as a strong and responsible human being, you'll have to face it eventually.
So as much as I'd rather shove it back and move carelessly and lazily with my life as it is right now, I am pondering on my answer. Yes, I am a strong one, and to my own fault.
Basically I've been spending most of my free time thinking on what to do with my professional growth. What is my new passion that would make me tick once again and occupy my busy mind? What is it that would keep me going even when I only had 4 hours of sleep and it's below 30F outside? What is it that would shift my mind from sex and relationships once again?
Believe me, I love my job (otherwise I wouldn't be doing it), but I don't think I've reached my potential, not even close. Naturally I believe that there is more that I have and would eventually do. Doesn't everyone?
In any case, I am glad that I am off the subject of love for awhile and back to my own self. Whatever happens in the meantime is life, but the rest is my own making. And that is, my friends, all and completely up to me :)

Everyone, enjoy your holidays: Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, etc. And remember it's your life first, and the rest is just an app that either makes your life easier or more complicated. Your choice. But it's you who decides what's more important. Cheers!

Burning questions answered, Part III

Last Monday, I asked my male colleague/friend at work a question and, honestly, was shocked when I heard his answer. I actually think it was the biggest shock I got in a very long time.
Judge for yourself, here it is:

Me: "When did you realize that your wife was the One? and what made you believe this?"
Man: "There is no such thing as the One. At some point, when you're ready to settle down, you find the woman who has a lot in common with you. What she wants from life at this point also matters if it matches your desires."

As simple as that? No kidding. I spent years, years! searching/researching/investigating to understand how one realizes that this is the One and only. I truly believed that this is what makes the world go round and come back despite all wars and global warming. I bet my whole experiment on love on this. I reserved myself from great men, amazing lovers simply because I thought they weren't the ONE. And the Man tells me that There is no such thing as the One. Make peace with it. Men don't think there is the One and Only. They believe there is timing and inevitability..

Me: "How is it possible? I always thought I had to end up with a man I thought was the One for me. This is the reason I never got married, never had family, kids (kids!). This is the reason I still searched for I truly believed I needed, No I had to, feel that he was the One. And you're telling me that men don't care about it?"

Man: "Sasha, you're a smart girl. Don't think about it too much. Focus on your own life, and don't make relationships your priority. Or you risk to be disappointed a lot. Don't make relationships your priority in life, period. You have so much in you!"

Thank you my man. Thank you for telling me this, it's like I finally saw the picture in its real colors, I finally could see why so many people get married/divorced, have kids and then leave. Really, if men don't think they need to search for a woman that makes them believe she is the One, why should we, women, spend our lives doing just that? But wait a second, there are women who probably don't believe that either and just marry for other reasons. Could it be the reason there is more than a 50% divorce rate in the country?

I was happy to learn about this. Even more, I was happy to follow his advice about not making relationships my priority. Once I made it my Modus Operandi, the weight had actually lifted off my shoulders and I was able to focus once again on the most precious thing in my life: Me:) And only good productive things come out of it, believe me.

But I've still decided for myself that I don't want to risk to be the part of those unfortunate <50% as long as I don't settle down with the one who simply doesn't feel or seem right. I simply refuse to contribute to the growth of this figure.. For now? I'll just focus on Me, and relationships won't be my priority. They will be a dessert I decide either to have or not after I had a delicious and satisfying meal. Bon appetit, everyone!

Burning questions answered, Part II

This is a continuum of an active discussion with my male colleague on relationships and differences between men and women

Me: Is it ok to date several people at the same time?

Man: If you're just going out and spending time together, it's ok. But if you're sleeping with different people, it's not ok. Even if there is no agreement on going exclusive, as soon as you hit the sheets no man would want to share you with another.

My conclusion: Date as much as you want as long as there is nothing intimate. But once you become intimate with one guy the rest have to go. I've very often found myself in a situation when there was more than one man seeking my attention. I would take time and try to learn a little more about each one of them before making a choice. However my rule has always been: No matter how much I like all of them and see possibilities with any of them, the first one I became intimate with is the one I will choose. Name it a gut feeling or simple morals. Bottom line is that your body can't lie to you, listen to it and follow your instincts.

Also your body will always send you a signal whether this person is good for you or not.
If you're feeling at ease and your body is in a very relaxed and natural state, this person might be the match. If you're tense and just don't feel well though can't explain it, sit back and try to feel it more. Most likely that person is not right for you.
Same goes with intimacy. A good connection will always lead to a passionate and smooth sexual experience. There won't be awkward moments and forceful desires. The both will have a blissful connection and will feel satisfied in the midst and after the contact. If you feel that you need to fake a slightest reaction, stop. True passion is what you are after, don't lie to yourself.

I know I've digressed a bit, it's just so easy to get carried away with this :)
Bottom line: date, flirt, have fun. But your body is a temple, only special ones should have the privilege to have access to it. And if you listen to it, it will surely let you know who it should be.

Burning questions answered, Part I

It just happens that at my current job, I am blessed to have wonderful colleagues. I work at a PR firm and even our Finance team has a strong creative bone. The fact that a lot of people have various passions other than finance was obvious almost right away.. But it was to my biggest surprise and pleasure to find out last month that one of my colleagues (a man!) is writing a book on relationships.
As soon as this fact surfaced and I shared with him my secret passion for blogging about relationships, we launched a continuous and passionate discussion about relationships between men and women. It's become a very beneficial collaboration for both. I've been giving him a lot of ideas to write about in his book; he's been giving me honest and detailed answers on men. Most of them opened the secret door to a man's mind. Yes, I've finally found a secret door to a man's mind. And I trust that it's as real as it can get. So get ready to find out some truths about men from a man himself.

I'll cover a series of Q&A's, the ones I feel to be the most burning, and you tell me what you think about it. I'll present them in an interview fashion and my friend's responses will be presented under Man as he speaks not only for himself but for all men out there.

1. Me: Why would a man pull away after he put in a lot of effort to win a woman and he was successful?
 
Man: He simply realized she wasn't his type. There are 3 types: 1) For fun; 2) For dating; 3) For marrying. If the guy is looking for one particular type and you don't fit it, he will lose his interest pretty fast. Let's say he likes you a lot, and he has fun with you, but it doesn't mean you'll meet his "dating type" material, left alone "marrying" material.

Something to be aware of: When a man meets a "marrying" type, he just has that feeling inside that tells him that he wants to spend his life with this woman. He'll walk down the street and will see her face in everyone's face. Also keep in mind, men are connected to a woman on a physical/sexual level while women are connected on an emotional level. Basically a man will never confuse his physical attraction with an emotional one. While women tend to blend those together.

My Conclusion: Ladies, stop replaying all the conversations and asking yourself what you've done wrong if a guy who was so persistent in the beginning suddenly disappears. It is much more simple. He just realized you're not his type for a serious relationship. or not the type he is looking for at the moment. Whatever the case, don't beat yourself up. Just move on and be mindful. Don't confuse a physical attraction with an emotional one. Just because he gives you an orgasm, hugs and kisses you in all the right places, holds you after sex, and carries you to bed does NOT mean he is the ONE. Listen to your instincts.

to be continued..