Sunday, March 18, 2012

Now you see it, Now you don't

A few days ago, I had an eye-opening conversation with one of my male friends. Ladies, I am sure you'll have a "WTF" moment once you read it. Sit down, get a glass of wine (or two).

First let me introduce to you my friend Z. He is a modern-day gentleman. Besides perfect manners and nearly impeccable sense of style, he is also a team player, fun and easy going. He has that ability to make you feel so comfortable with him that you open up, you laugh, you share your secrets. And I only scratched the surface since I only experienced him in a friend category. From many many girls who not only disclose their secrets to him but also their bodies, I get a sense that he knows his way around the ladies very well. I even suspect he is the guy who is as close as any man can get to a what-women-want discovery. And he doesn't seem like a player, I don't think he is, he just loves women and knows how to treat them. In return, women fall for it and follow his lead. Basically, girls like him, girls' parents like him, girls' pets like him. I've witnessed myself. My sweet Josephine (my pet) is all over him whenever she sees him.

This is just a little description so you understand that the story I am about to share is about a nice guy (in all ways).

So he shared his last romantic adventure with me. He dated a girl for a couple of months. They went out, he would always pick her up, he took her to nice places, he always picked up the bill (even when she insisted), he gave her flowers, he picked her up from the airport!! Really it's been my dream forever that my guy would pick me up from the airport. I even have an image how I run and jump into his arms and we kiss right in the middle of it and it would feel like Paris... Still fantasizing...

So he's been a perfect gentleman all along. He took care of her, he showed her attention, lots of attention. I was almost excited that romance does happen in our modern day life. And then he dropped the bomb. Apparently, he didn't feel any chemistry with her and the whole time they dated he wanted to break up with her. I was confused. Why did you do all those nice romantic things, showed her that she was special? His answer: She is a good person and I am a gentleman. I would behave the same way with any woman.

Maybe that's noble, but I was shocked. How can it be? If you are not into someone you don't give them flowers and pick them up from the airport and have sex with them and then break up the next day. She had no idea, she had no signs, no warnings. Maybe if she did, she would at least get a case of wine ready, and girl-friends waiting to pick her up and drink all that wine. No, she thought it was amazing and the guy was falling for her. Only to have her trust broken in the end.

And then I remembered that I had the same experience in my life once. The only guy that ever broke up with me did the exact same thing: showed me nothing but his attention. He was all over me. And then one day after the basketball game (and after the night we had sex) he broke up with me. I wasn't even as much upset as I was shocked. I didn't see it coming. And though I knew he wasn't the One for me, I was still devastated. Why wouldn't you give me some signs? I already got you a Xmas present and a BD present you had next month! I need to get you out of my body first before I can break up with you..

At least when I broke up with my ex's I would first become distant, I would talk to them about it, I would lead them to it. I wouldn't just hit them in the head with my break-up. It's simple human compassion and respect for what you had.

In the end, I realized that it could happen anytime, to anyone. What a girl to do? If it had never happened to me, I would have said that you should be able to pick up on some signs. But I know there might be no signs. Besides the doubts I had about him being the right guy for me, I saw no signs from his side.

So instead I will address all men who ever broke up in a similar way or contemplating it. Be a man. Don't mislead her, tell her how it is. Break ups are not beautiful, there should be no flowers, no freaking games, and certainly no sex. Honesty will serve you so much better and you might even transition into a nice fleeting memory and maybe respect. But going the tricky route will only put you in a "never trust, avoid that guy by all means" category. Make your choice.

My preference: Always be real, be you. Not being honest is not being yourself, not accepting yourself. But it should be your job to resolve it for yourself and not through others. It takes strength.


  1. Ugh, I had that happen to me once. It's seriously horrible. He also chose to break the news in a café, with all my closest friends sitting nearby! I was totally unprepared, so I tried to run descreetly to the ladies room, but everybody saw me crying. Most awkward moment of my life.

    He was an ass, though - as for the guy in your story, I think I understand his train of thought. He didn't want to hurt her, so he probably kept postponing it, and didn't want to be rude to her before he did eventually break it off. That's what I think, anyway.

    1. Jinx, I know how you felt, even if you are not in love with a person, it still hurts to be rejected. The good news is that you're not with a man like that and the good guy has either already taken his place or will in the future.
      As for my friend, I don't judge but I do respect honesty above all. It's a lack of strength of a character, and even selfishness in my opinion.
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  2. Dear, Sasha,

    Opposites don't always attract; sometimes sameness works out better for both :)
    We ignore what people tell us about themselves. We want them to be what WE want them to be.

    1st. If we one sets a rule of no-attachment, no partner can nor should change that.

    2nd. Men are hunters, the more the better. They enjoy the process. Women are pearls. 'Nuf said.

    3rd. Any commitment is bound to end, eventually. Hopefully, it ends on our terms.

    In summary, Sasha, you're a smart girl.
    Your weakness is you give too much credit to men (example, honesty), which is a good thing. Alas, quite often men are in no state to withstand.


    1. As always, Lina Rose, you see through my soul. Yes I am a hopeless optimist, still believe in decency in our male species :) Yes, I hope and truly believe there are some that still hold themselves to a higher standard... If I didn't believe in it, I would stop looking for love..

      Bravo to your perception and sweet words.