Thursday, February 28, 2013

Answering Unanswered, Part I


If you recall, in my prior post, I dared myself to reach out to the men who stayed unresolved mysteries to me. The ones who touched me in a serious way, yet left me questioning why didn't it lead to more??

First 2 men I am going to write about here, weren't my boy-friends or even the men I dated. They were mere stars that fleetingly crossed my horizon, but the light was so bright the memory of it was shining for months to come.

One of them made me feel like home the moment I met him. He felt familiar. There was something about him that made me forget about the world and be taken to that place I would call my dream. I wanted to look into his eyes, kiss his lips, be in his presence. We went all the way to LV for our first date after meeting. It was the best time I had in a long time, it was too good to be true. He made me feel special, I was happy. Though the whole time, I felt that any moment I'd wake up and it would all end, it wasn't real. It was just a dream.

Indeed, the LV escape ended and we both came back to reality. 2 more dates in NYC, and that was it. He didn't pursue me, I didn't insist. I knew he wasn't in the same place I was. There was no place for me in his life. Other things I felt that made me realize it wasn't going to happen.
In my usual way, I let it go and moved on. But the connection was so strong, I was crashed for weeks, I cried.... I was vulnerable. And yet I was strong.
2 years later I emailed him. Although I already knew why it didn't happen I needed to hear it from him. And I did. Of course, I knew he would respond. I expected no less from him. His response was simple and truthful. It confirmed what I thought. I was happy to know that I was right to hold him to the high standard. I was sad to learn that he still wasn't in a happy and open state.

The other man was different. There was nothing sad and longing about him. He was pure joy! Again, I felt free and open with him the moment we met. It's like it was just 2 of us and the rest of the world was somewhere else. The chemistry (both physical and intellectual) was overpowering, and we didn't try to fight it. The problem? Yes there was one. He was from Santa Monica, I was(am) from New York. There was the whole country between us. And you know how it usually happens in situations like this, he called - I didn't answer, I called - he didn't answer. We got lost in distance and time.

6 months later I emailed him. His response was pure joy again. It made me smile. It was as endearing as the time we spent together. He thought I was out of his league (how sweet:), and he was just one of the many guys I was playing with. Of course, none of it was true. You guys know me:) I am dorky, but for some reason men think of me as a player. Happened many times. I learned to ignore it. Anyway, my West Coast friend and I laughed it off, and closed our chapter on a happy note! What more could I ask for?

Conclusion: don't be afraid to search for the truth. It could be sad and unsatisfying still. It could be fun and pure joy all the way. But either way, it will help make peace with the unanswered and move on to a better and happier place inside and out. Take that chance!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Answering Unanswered

There will always be questions in life that we simply won't find answers for. And usually, it's fine (if not best) to make peace with it. But personally, I prefer to at least take a shot and see what I can find. I need to know. Even if it's just that I will never know.

Last month, I realized that there were still some unanswered questions that I never took a shot at. It'd been some busy time :) But seriously, they were holding me back in some way or another. I knew if I was on track about being as authentic as I could be and be in a complete alignment with my inner self, I needed to address them.

This time, I am looking personally, all the way into my heart.
How about those guys that were so promising in the beginning but got away? You know the type. They are interested right away, they go out of their way to win you over, and they do a good job at it. Then, while you're catching your breath, they are gone...
How about the one who you left and didn't have that last word with? No closure, nothing.  Didn't even get your belongings back? It was so heartbreaking you couldn't even say good bye, knowing that one day there will be an encounter, there will be a conclusion...
Finally how about the one you loved dearly but not the way a woman could (or should)? You are the love of his life but there is nothing you could do to return that kind of love? You spent many years together, sometimes even believing that it would be for the rest of your life, then one day you walk away. You go but you want to stay. You stay but you want to go. It's like you never really left...

Yes, you guessed it right, those were relationships in my life that I couldn't find the answers for? It's hard enough to forget and move on, so getting down to the root of it is like rubbing salt in the wound. The experiences were so disappointing I didn't want to keep them in my memory let alone ponder over them, and definitely, not talking about them with the ones who caused them.

But I am not of the faint-hearted, I am looking for the truth. So I emailed all of those men asking for the unanswered.
There were 4 of them. 2 of those who somehow disappeared despite of tremendous interest they showed initially. They won my attention, then they left me stunned. The one who I loved but had to run away from without even packing my stuff. Someone it took me 2 years to finally let go. And then there is the one who loved me dearly, loved me more than the world, gave me everything he could. The one I left.

I emailed them with my question. So what was it that didn't let us work? or something along those lines.

In the following posts, I'll cover them separately. Stay tuned. What I found was very surprising if not unexpected. But all good, believe me all good.

Monday, February 18, 2013


Cheers All,

So, one of my New Year's resolutions was to start meditating again. I used to do it regularly a few years ago, but then somehow fell off the wagon. All I remember that meditation did good for me. I was more connected with myself, and more at peace with anything that happened. But life happened and I got carried away.

Anyway, today was the first time I meditated since then. The result? Already during my meditation, I made a promise to myself: whatever is happening in my life, no matter how busy I get, I'll do it daily. It's that good. Somehow once you sit down, close your eyes, and tune in inside, you find utter peace, utter bliss. It's like a whole new world right there inside you, filled with peace and love. It's all accepting and loving. You feel happy. I do :)

Another great experience happened today that I wanted to share with you. I was sitting with my back to the window, the sun washing over me. As I was basking there, I started rotating my head in circles, and the most exciting revelation happened. As I was moving my head first 90 degrees, even with my eyes closed I would feel that it was dark (turned away from the sun), and then when I would move the other 90 degrees (towards the sun), I would see the light. Just with one head circle (180 degrees) I would see the dark and the light, and that would complete the cycle, only to repeat again.
What was assuring that after the dark there would be the light, and what was certain that after the light there would be the dark again, and so on and so on. So as I was moving thru this experience with the light, I realized that it's exactly how our life goes: light then dark, dark then light. Life is but a cycle of light and dark. It's a contrast. If there was never light, we'd never know what the dark is and hence wouldn't be able to define the light? And vice versa. I know it's confusing. Simply said, if one didn't exist we wouldn't know about the existence of either as there would be no contrast to perceive it.

So where does it leave us? We should embrace the light and the dark, and be grateful for both as that's how we experience life. As well as have faith that after the dark there will be the light again. And not get carried away with the light, for there will come the dark :) I know it's not the most cheerful and easy concept to accept. But once you do, you find balance during any experience that is happening in your life, and that brings eternal peace.

Namaste to all and enjoy your day off if you're in the US!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Today's Inspiration

Those who know me well, are aware how much I dislike the winter and cold weather. It takes a lot of effort to find beauty and inspiration during those short-day freezing months. I am always on a verge of packing my bags and moving some place South. Sorry NY, no offense, but you're unbearable during the winter.
However today, I was completely blown away by the video my friend sent me. It takes place in Montreal, CA with the most fascinating and talented snowboarder Seb Toots (Sebastien Toutant) taking down the snowy mountain right there in the city. Simply unbelievable. Speaking of inspiration... see for yourself.