Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Answering Unanswered, Part III

Cheers all,

So here I am, down to my last challenge in uprooting any emotional blocks and leaving them behind me.
The last man addressed was the one I loved with all of my heart, body and soul. I didn't love him with my mind, and in the end it was my mind that took victory.
I wrote about this relationship earlier
But to give you an idea, it was the most difficult relationship I ever had. He was my soulmate. I know, you'll say How could it be if he was your soulmate? Isn't it what we all look for when it comes to love?

Yes and No. Back then, I also believed that once I'd meet my soulmate I'd be happy and complete. Nothing would matter, I'd be living my dream. Meeting my soulmate WAS my dream.

Well, as I learned later, meeting one's soulmate doesn't mean any of this. It could, but not necessarily.  For the most part, it simply means meeting your soulmate, and dealing with all the past and many karmic connections that took place in previous lives.
Soulmates are deep rooted, from other and many past lives, and unfortunately, have a lot of issues carried over from a lifetime to a lifetime. And it doesn't come with a guarantee of "Love forever" or "Beautiful Love".

Simply put, it's not easy, it's not lifting as we think love would make us feel. It's more about resolving and fixing. I am not saying it's the case with all soulmate relationships, but that was the case with mine. From day 1, it was a battle, it was a survival. I knew I loved him, and he loved me. But being together was too much to handle for either. We couldn't be happy. It was so complicated that it will take me a lifetime to figure out. For now, I'll just tell you that it was meaningful and important, and unavoidable. But it was also destructive and painful. It had to end. And it did.

So 2 years ago, I finally left him after x-times of break-ups. It was hard, if not impossible. I ran. I left my stuff at his place, I changed my number, I started dating someone right away, and pushed "us" as deep as I could. That was the only way I could finally remove myself from this relationship.

Though I managed to move on 2 years ago, the way I handled it was disconcerting, and bothered me the whole time. I wrote a letter ( 3!) to him that I never sent. They had it all: how much I loved him, how he was my soulmate, how sorry I was that I couldn't fight for our love anymore, and how impossible it was for us to be together. I never sent it to him, that is until my quest "Answering Unanswered".
Maybe one of the reasons I even started this quest because I finally was able to face "this" relationship and ready to leave it behind me. I had to. I wanted to. I was ready.

I wanted to send those letters to him, to finally have a deserving ending. and I did. He never responded.

Was I surprised? No. I didn't think he would. But I know he read them, and perhaps they made sense to him.
As for me, I was finally able to make peace with it, and move on.
More importantly, I was ready to start a new chapter or even a new book in my life, where I'd open my heart, body, soul AND mind to a New Love.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Answering Unanswered, Part II

Cheers all,

I took my time, but search for the unanswered continued.

This time I went deeper, straight to my heart. It was someone who made a difference in my life. Someone who effected it in the most profound way.

Well lovers, something I never shared with you is that some time ago which seems like eternity now, I was in a long-term, committed relationship. We weren't married but it was more than that.

Seriously. We met when I was 20 and as naive as one can be. He was 13 years senior, experienced and smart. He was tough, and even senseless to those who didn't matter.
And it was one of those fateful meetings we had, when you just know it holds the future...

He saw me the minute he noticed me. You know what I mean, the moment he laid his eyes on me for the first time, he could see my soul. And he fell in love with it.
For the next 4+ years he was my world and I was his flower. I was the flower he tended to, he was my soil and gardener.
He taught me everything he knew, which was plenty, but even more so priceless. He was the one who taught me how to be strong, how to be tough, how to be self-sufficient.

I was growing, and as I thought absolutely happy. We called our relationship a partnership, and partners we were. Though in reality, he was a partner, I was his associate. We did well. But romance (and sex), though present in the beginning, was completely replaced with our "partnership" responsibilities.

So understand, there was nothing I could say about him that would be any close to explaining the role this man played in my life. Nor would I want to. But my quest for resolving the past and leaving it behind me brought me here.

Anyway, 7 years ago, I left him. It was my choice. And it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Leaving him, I knew my life would never be the same. There would be a hard road ahead, a lone road. But I had to do it. I wanted to. Of course, I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me. But I needed to break away from the protected world he created for me, for us. I needed to learn how to make it on my own. I wanted to stand on my own, depend on no one but myself. I was thirsty for an absolute freedom and independence. He fought for me for 6 months, he even proposed to me. But my mind was made up. In the end, he accepted it, and let me go.

Since then, It was a hard road all along, but I never regretted leaving him. I always knew our relationship was not the one I wanted to have with a man I'd marry. There was too much mentoring, and not enough of sharing, and definitely not enough of romancing. I wanted my partner to be my lover more than my mentor. But that connection stayed with me the whole time. There was no one like him who could see me so well and be so involved in my dreams and my ambitions.

He didn't want to stay friends, and eventually we lost touch. But last Fall, he emailed me. It was a nice email, not suggestive of anything. Just something he wanted me to know. And I thought perhaps he was finally open to my idea to being friends, or at least being in each other's life. So I asked him if he'd like to meet. He said Yes.
2 weeks later (which was 2 months ago), we met. 7 years since we saw each other, or even spoke. I was nervous more than excited. I wanted to tell him how I'd done, how I'd become all he wanted me to be! I was strong and independent, I'd made it on my own. I wanted to make him proud.

As it turned out, he had different expectations. He thought I was ready to come back. Yes, to come back to him after 7 years apart. He said he was waiting for that day, and there was nothing he would love more. I cried. That wasn't my intention. I had to go. Again.
He said he'd always be there, any day, any time, whenever I'd want to.

It was the hardest moment I'd had since the time I left him. But there was nothing I could do. I don't have the love he has for me, even though he holds a special place in my heart. And I am not 20 anymore. Now I know who I am and what I want. And it's a strong independent woman who wants an equal partner, who is not a mentor, but a lover and a friend. Someone I could love as much as he loves me.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Big O Formula

Nite lovers,

It's been awhile since I wrote on the favorite subject, although my sex life has never been better. In fact, these days I am having the best orgasms of my life. Hallelujah.

Anyway, today during meditation my subconscious responded in a clear way on how I reached the peak of my sexual experience. I found a formula for the best orgasms a woman could experience. Listen up, ladies. In fact, guys, listen up too. Both parties might benefit from it.

Again, I don't mean to imply that my formula will work for everyone but I do feel confident it might be helpful to most sexually curious:) At least it will bring some interest to the subject of sex once again, and for its right reasons. For believe me, very few things in life are as good as good sex life. An orgasm is the sweetest thing, and it's completely calorie free. No desert in the world could compare. Those who experience them, know what I am talking about. And those who don't, please don't waste a minute any longer. Drop everything and get on a journey of finding the Big O.

So the formula that works for me consists of 3 variables that need not to be in any particular order but all need to be present and be in sync. When present and in balance, those 3 variables will give a woman the best Big O she could hope for. And I mean Big O: multiple, completely unbridled, out of this world orgasm. Here it is:

Big O = Self-awareness of your own body + Chemistry + Non-selfish partner.

Let me explain.

1) Self-awareness of your own body: you need to know what makes you tick. It starts within yourself and exploring your own body. Play with it, love it, make love to it, let it love you back. You need to learn how to give yourself the best orgasms first.
2) Chemistry: pretty self-explanatory. You need to have chemistry with your lover.
3) Non-selfish partner: also supposed to be self-explanatory, but Oh well... Basically a not selfish lover is the one who makes sure that you come first, and keep on coming:) He knows that your orgasms are like the ocean and is not afraid do dive in and take you on a ride. He takes pleasure in seeing you getting turned on and wild, losing your control and surrendering to the sweetest thing. He takes time.

It works, take my word for it. I hope this will inspire you to try and perhaps find your own formula. And if you do, please share! The world will thank you for that.

Love to all