Saturday, March 23, 2013

Answering Unanswered, Part II

Cheers all,

I took my time, but search for the unanswered continued.

This time I went deeper, straight to my heart. It was someone who made a difference in my life. Someone who effected it in the most profound way.

Well lovers, something I never shared with you is that some time ago which seems like eternity now, I was in a long-term, committed relationship. We weren't married but it was more than that.

Seriously. We met when I was 20 and as naive as one can be. He was 13 years senior, experienced and smart. He was tough, and even senseless to those who didn't matter.
And it was one of those fateful meetings we had, when you just know it holds the future...

He saw me the minute he noticed me. You know what I mean, the moment he laid his eyes on me for the first time, he could see my soul. And he fell in love with it.
For the next 4+ years he was my world and I was his flower. I was the flower he tended to, he was my soil and gardener.
He taught me everything he knew, which was plenty, but even more so priceless. He was the one who taught me how to be strong, how to be tough, how to be self-sufficient.

I was growing, and as I thought absolutely happy. We called our relationship a partnership, and partners we were. Though in reality, he was a partner, I was his associate. We did well. But romance (and sex), though present in the beginning, was completely replaced with our "partnership" responsibilities.

So understand, there was nothing I could say about him that would be any close to explaining the role this man played in my life. Nor would I want to. But my quest for resolving the past and leaving it behind me brought me here.

Anyway, 7 years ago, I left him. It was my choice. And it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Leaving him, I knew my life would never be the same. There would be a hard road ahead, a lone road. But I had to do it. I wanted to. Of course, I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me. But I needed to break away from the protected world he created for me, for us. I needed to learn how to make it on my own. I wanted to stand on my own, depend on no one but myself. I was thirsty for an absolute freedom and independence. He fought for me for 6 months, he even proposed to me. But my mind was made up. In the end, he accepted it, and let me go.

Since then, It was a hard road all along, but I never regretted leaving him. I always knew our relationship was not the one I wanted to have with a man I'd marry. There was too much mentoring, and not enough of sharing, and definitely not enough of romancing. I wanted my partner to be my lover more than my mentor. But that connection stayed with me the whole time. There was no one like him who could see me so well and be so involved in my dreams and my ambitions.

He didn't want to stay friends, and eventually we lost touch. But last Fall, he emailed me. It was a nice email, not suggestive of anything. Just something he wanted me to know. And I thought perhaps he was finally open to my idea to being friends, or at least being in each other's life. So I asked him if he'd like to meet. He said Yes.
2 weeks later (which was 2 months ago), we met. 7 years since we saw each other, or even spoke. I was nervous more than excited. I wanted to tell him how I'd done, how I'd become all he wanted me to be! I was strong and independent, I'd made it on my own. I wanted to make him proud.

As it turned out, he had different expectations. He thought I was ready to come back. Yes, to come back to him after 7 years apart. He said he was waiting for that day, and there was nothing he would love more. I cried. That wasn't my intention. I had to go. Again.
He said he'd always be there, any day, any time, whenever I'd want to.

It was the hardest moment I'd had since the time I left him. But there was nothing I could do. I don't have the love he has for me, even though he holds a special place in my heart. And I am not 20 anymore. Now I know who I am and what I want. And it's a strong independent woman who wants an equal partner, who is not a mentor, but a lover and a friend. Someone I could love as much as he loves me.

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