Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Heart, mind and in between

My girl friends and I came to NY all approximately at the same time somewhere in 2001, the year when the twin towers went down. We were a day away from turning 20 and full of hopes and aspirations. There were high career ambitions, self development goals and for most dreams of big love. The dream to find true love was one thing we all shared, and it seemed absolutely real to us. We were young, good-looking, smart and had something that american women did not (or so we thought at the time). We had a soul, a russian soul that is as deep as the Atlantic Ocean separating two continents. Whoever said that the russian soul is enigma wrapped in mystery knows what I am talking about.
We were completely crazy with american men and did everything to stay away from russian guys. Even though we all had a russian father it was not enough to convince us to have a relationship with one. We were positive that a soulful heart of a russian woman would be a perfect balance to a practical mind of an american man. And so we set our eyes on finding that perfect partner. Some girlfriends were looking for a Brad Pitt alike, one was in love with Johnny Depp, the other wanted a guy with a house upstate and a dog. 
As for me, since 15 after I read “Gone with the Wind” (GWTW) for the first time, my heart and soul belonged to Rhett Butler. It was then when I learned how to read at night under the blanket with a pencil flash flight, how during the classes to cover the book with a text book pretending to be studying. Once I would finish the book I would start reading it again on the same day. Any attempt to read another book felt like cheating and I would always run back to GWTW. I knew it was because I found him, the man of my dreams.  Up till these days the friends that knew me back then ask me whether I met my Rhett Butler (RB). And the truth is I haven’t. Almost 15 years later and a series of uneventful relationships on my count I still haven’t met him. 
Currently single and on a mission to stay this way until I know it’s him, I’ve decided to write instead and shift my focus from dating. Really what is the point now that I’ve dated enough of men I knew from the beginning were not the one. I love to hear it when people tell me that the moment they met their lover they knew he/she was the one. So if so many people feel it every day why shouldn’t I wait till I meet someone who makes me feel that way too. Besides when I met RB, in a literary world anyway, I knew he was the one. Then this feeling shouldn’t be too foreign to me. I am now firm not to get into a new relationship until I know he is the one. Not sure if the he-is-the-one feeling will strike me the moment I meet him I will give it some time before making any decisions.
Anyway, as the last 10 years unfolded, some of my friends realized they didn’t care about a practical american mind that much and settled with another russian heart instead. Some of them ended up happily married with children, some unhappily married with children. But all of them were the russian community the rest of us eventually drifted away from. As for the rest of us, we find ourselves still floating in-between loves, fighting inside to whether settle down with someone good enough or keep floating. 
I was fighting myself for year and finally had to accept my truth. I choose to follow my heart. I might never meet my RB but I believe I have a chance meeting someone who would speak my language. Someone who would inspire me to be the best I can be and would make me feel like I’ve finally come home.
As for now I will be writing, going out, kissing, drinking, working, traveling, etc. But I will stay single until I know I’ve come home.

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