Since love is my favorite subject, naturally I've always been curious about marriage as an institution. Half of my friends are or have been married which enabled me to gather data for my research and analysis. I probably already formed my opinion about marriage long time ago; hence the reason I turned down a marriage proposal a couple times. But it wasn't till last night that I finally had a clear vision on where I am standing.
So last night, I had dinner with two girl-friends, one of them is recently married with a small baby. We had fun and all, and as night was ending I asked my married girl-friend a question I ask all my married friends: Are you happy to be married? Is it all you envisioned it to be?
Honestly, every time I ask this question I get "almost" the same reaction. Notice not the same wording, but the same reaction: deep heavy breath, long pause and a look full of doom. Then they start talking and the following 3 things never fail to shock me.
1) First, I'm stoned when they tell me that sex kind of goes away.... whatever that means... and no one is talking about pleasuring themselves or being sexually starved. It's like an ordinary thing.
2) Then I am speechless when they tell me that it's not about them anymore, but kids. Meaning, they don't enjoy each other anymore but take care of kids. By the way, my research has shown that for some unknown reason marriage and kids almost always go together. Simple love and company of one partner are just not enough, it needs to be enriched with diapers. I guess it's that icing on the wedding cake..
3) And finally I am completely floored when they tell me that they don't get to do what they loved to do before marriage, moreover, they nag their partner for "wasting" time on things they love to do and not on them/family.
Once I get over my triple shock, I overflow them with the following questions (not intentionally but out of curiosity and to get data for my research): Are you serious? Why did it change because of marriage? Isn't it supposed to improve your life? Why did sex go away? Isn't marriage supposed to be a free pass to unlimited sex? Isn't it fun that you don't have to date around and just focus all your fun sexual energy on the man you love? Why don't you look and try to look sexy anymore? It's still you and it's still him. Why give up yourself and not let him be? Why don't you let him do his thing (playing games, sports) and do your thing in the meantime? and so on and so on.... I can't stop.
They blankly stare at me as if I am simply clueless and have no freaking idea what I am talking about. And give me some BS answer that probably doesn't even make sense to them. Every time, every married friend. Even the last one, who is the most progressive of all, and still does girls' nights out, and still has a scent of an expensive perfume and not a baby powder...
Then I spent more time thinking about where I am standing on marriage based on research and observation. and I had it!! It was like a light bulb really, I even had to call it a night at 10pm and excuse myself home. My inner voice was too loud to ignore, it needed to be heard. It had a clear answer for me: I don't want this. I don't want to be where my married friends are.
I don't want to give up my passions and dreams and not let my partner enjoy his. I don't want to be constantly controlled and I don't want to control him. I don't want to nag him and be manipulative. I refuse to give up myself and make him do the same. I don't want to stop taking care of myself and not look sexy. I don't want to move to suburbs and have babies, and that being all there is to it. After all the "don't's" I moved on to the "do's".
And I clearly saw what I wanted when I am married. It's very simple. I want to enjoy it. I want to have fun. I want us to enjoy it. Travel around the world, do our favorite things together and apart, inspire each other, motivate each other, make each other laugh, make love whenever wherever... Take care of myself, wear La Perla, drink wine, stay at beautiful hotels, go to the beach, go out, etc.. Nothing's wrong with it. The bible says: A wife should enjoy her husband. God himself intended for marriage to be joy. Nothing new here.
As for the little angels with diapers, I had to accept the fact that I might stay away, being well aware that they could stand in the way of enjoying the life. or as I told my friends last night Only if it happens out of big love and by accident. Selfish? Maybe. But isn't nagging and controlling your partner even more selfish, and it's usually because of kids. So if I have to be selfish I'd rather go for the former, and at least have a joyful and happy life with my partner.
Then I felt a great sense of relief and it made a whole lot of sense to me why I hadn't jumped into "Till death do us part" yet. I simply didn't know what I really wanted and was smart enough to wait till I did (unlike most people). And it's as simple as it gets: Enjoy it, whatever it does or doesn't take.
P.S. Still wishing good luck to all married with kids couples out there. and please don't forget about sex.
Let me tell you, it's been two hot days in the city, a heat wave really. The temperature has been in the upper 90's but felt like in 100's. Having spent most of these days in the freezer (the office), I still did manage to take a walk home and as always NY didn't fail to impress me. It can be 20 or 100 degrees outside, the life goes on!
I was also amazed with the way the sunset was revealing itself to me thru the sky scrapers, three shots with a glimpse of the setting sun.. the last shot is of my gym (what can I say, I still need the comfort of cool air when I am running...)
Let me tell you, it's been two hot days in the city, a heat wave really. The temperature has been in the upper 90's but felt like in 100's. Having spent most of these days in the freezer (the office), I still did manage to take a walk home and as always NY didn't fail to impress me. It can be 20 or 100 degrees outside, the life goes on!
