If You Ever Loved Somebody Put Your Hands Up

I am immensely amazed whenever I hear people tell me that they’ve never been in love.

I know I should be understanding as there was a period in my life when I'd never experienced it. Yet whenever I hear this my eyes become larger than apples and all I can say is Really? How? Why?

Let me tell you, they are all normal people, at least they seemed to be. The fact that it was only men who ever confessed this important piece of information to me, made me re-consider that many times. Again men have their own ways that we women just don’t understand and never will. Yet I have no choice but to explore on this issue from my female perspective, hoping that in no way am I undermining men. I love you guys, and wouldn’t want to hurt you... But I am just too curious to pass on this subject.

First time, it happened 2 years ago, at my girl friend’s bachelorette party in Southampton, that a nice 33 y.o. guy confessed to me about his no-love experience. He was very cute and sweet. We talked for an hour, next hour we danced and it was a lot of fun (he might have been the most fun dancer I ever had). The last hour we kissed and it was even more fun as my friends literally had to pull me away from him and drag me back into a limo to go home. 

After that night, Ed and I dated for about 2 months, and I never could understand how is it such a sweet guy never was in love. I almost wanted to stick around longer to see how he falls in love with me and prove to myself (and maybe the rest of the world) that it was simply a matter of time and he was no stranger to love, he was one of us.. 

The second confession came from his closest friend, also a 33 y.o. guy. I found Stan very funny and witty. He had the looks and he was sharp. I even tried to set him up with my girl friend. And again I was sure that it was just temporary. A guy like that can’t go on in life without love. 

Since it didn’t work out for Ed and I, I forgot about this matter for awhile. Actually until last night, when a nice 35 y.o. guy confessed to me the exact same thing. My eyes became apples and instantly I remembered Ed and his friend Stan. Today it got me thinking even more. How is it that those guys have never been in love. And I am sure it’s not just them, there are more of them out there. So my questions is to all of them How is it that you never had your heart beating for someone else? 

I don’t remember if I ever asked Ed and Stan this question or it didn’t go beyond my bigger than apples eyes and a gasp. But I sure asked this question the guy last night. He said he didn’t want to have his heart broken. And I understood him, my eyes came back to their normal size and it made perfect sense to me. Of course, I was in love twice and maybe falling now again (will tell you later..) and, Man, it hurts.. Love hurts and whoever says it doesn’t found the secret that I want to know..

It hurts even when you are with them because of all the insane demands we have for our partners. If partners are not on the same wavelength it creates a feeling of a huge responsibility that not many can handle. Name at least one person who is fine with it. It gets overwhelming for both with expectations and demands, which in the end hurts both. I am not talking about those happy couples who are so in sync that they won’t even understand what I am talking about here. I am speaking for those whose relationships fell apart or not as smooth as they wish to be.

As much as it made sense to me last night, I still wouldn’t change a thing about my past 2 loves. Love, no matter how painful it was at times, made me experience myself and grow internally like nothing else. It made me feel alive. When I love I am life, and I feel eternal. Death has no meaning then, for when I love I know it is not as important as the love I have. And that is the reason I can’t wait to fall in love again.. I want to die in love..

In the end, I haven’t found the answer on why those guys and many others have never experienced love. But I hope one day they will. For they’ll see that the pain associated with it faints compared to the Love itself.

Expectations

There is so much I can write about expectations, it could take me hours. But I will be concise (it's a holiday weekend!).
The most important thing to know about expectations is They are all in your head. Never, ever cast your expectations on anyone else. If you do, you set yourself up for a disappointment. It is particularly true when it comes to relationships, expectations we have for our partners. What you expect is your wishful thinking and might not resonate with the other no matter how much you want it. To save yourself heartache, just don't have any expectations.
The only expectations you can count on are the ones you set for yourself. Follow through on them and see how hard it is sometimes to meet even your own expectations. Then you might be more flexible on others. And believe me we all set out so many of them for ourselves that the last thing we want is expectations from someone else.
If it's too hard to let them go, try to move them to a place of desire. Something more general. and don't have anyone particular in mind. Let the Universe find the person who will match that expectation. You might be surprised where life takes you. But I can promise you, that by doing this you will be in a better place in your mind, heart and soul.
Bless you all!

3 Secrets to Happiness

This will be a very short post.
I just wanted to share some wisdom with the rest of the world, specifically those who are looking for ways to sustain or find happiness.
It might or might not work for you but there is no harm in trying. And I promise you'll be happy you tried.

So here they are:

1) Find sport that helps you release your tension. It could be any kind of physical activity as long as you feel a great sense of relief when doing it and more importantly after you're finished. For me, it's running. Not only it releases my tension, it provides clarity to my mind, soothes my emotions, it keeps me fit, strong and flexible.

2) Have intimacy. If you're in a relationship, have regular sex with your partner. But make it romantic and playful. It has to feel like fun and excitement even if it's a quicky before work. If you're single, see if you can find a lover who you trust and have a great respect for. The feeling must be mutual so that you both can relax and enjoy the game. If having a lover is not an option, try to get touched in other ways: getting a massage (even a hand massage at a nail salon once a week) on a regular basis, hugging your friends, family, and pets. Also having trusting and intimate conversations with your closest friends.

3) Take care of yourself. Looking good makes you feel good. Taking care of your body from inside out, wearing clothes that look good on you, make you feel sexy yet elegant and tasteful. Eating foods that make you happy. Many things you do that make you feel like you're ready any minute to meet with Mike Bloomberg to discuss important NYC projects. Basically, when you know you feel and look good, you have confidence and happiness within.

Those are 3 basic things that will not only help you bring more happiness but will help sustain it. Once you cover all three, you'll see less need to find happiness from someone else. In the end, the true happiness is the one we give ourselves.

New York Minute

New York is a fast paced city. If the rest of the world goes at a speed of 60 miles/hr, NYC speeds at all 300. 

That was the reason I loved it in the first place. As soon as I stepped out of the bus at Columbia University campus 10 years ago, I knew we were meant to be. I felt that I’d found my place. With so many people and movement I never felt so blended in, so belonged yet so on my own. New York is that rare place where you may find yourself in a big whirl of action yet in a complete solitude. It’s hard to explain to those who never lived in the city. 

Anyway there is a time oxymoron when it comes to NY. As fast as we are when it comes to every day life, we are extremely slow when it comes to relationships. The place where millions of dollars are traded on NYSE within seconds gets to a snail’s pace when it comes to investing in a relationship. Arranging a date is a big project that could take weeks or even months. Everyone is too busy to squeeze in some romance in a hectic life filled with jobs, commute, work out, etc. 

I myself had been in this circle far too long to complain about others. Yet now that I finally decided to make a room for my personal life I feel somewhat frustrated. The reason being my speed in this area is the same 300 miles/hr but most people seem to be going at a snail’s pace still. I always felt that I was a little too fast in all areas of my life: work, plans, friends, partners. For some reason I just don’t like to drag things and like to get to the result asap. I am impatient to a core. As soon as I know what it is I want I am there as we say in a New York minute.

Believe me there were moments where I would take my time with moving forward in a relationship but I would always state it so there was no confusion and I would state it in a NY minute. I want to send my biggest apology to all the dates that didn’t happen because I just couldn’t find the time in my busy schedule. Sorry guys!! It was just bad timing. 

And it’s not that I’ve slowed down, I still need the time for the gym to run my 15+ miles a week, time to write my blog, time to drink wine with my girl-friends and talk about “the weather”.. But I’m finally in a place where I don’t work 60-70 hours a week and am able to spend more on my personal life. 

Therefore I am so amazed how other people can’t pick up the speed when it comes to dating. If I was able to once I realized I cared about it, why can’t they? Is it because they don’t care or simply because they can’t have such high speed in all areas of their lives? 

The guy I dated for a couple of months after my last break up in December (refer to my blog about texting) was just not up to speed. I realize we met 2 years ago and it took us 2 years to finally start dating. But once we started and I knew I wanted you I didn’t need you to be patient. I am there and ready for action. Don’t give me 5pm or later, tomorrow or after tomorrow. Tell me it is now!! Make up your mind.

Maybe I am impatient and unreasonable (feel free to tell me) but I am just going in sync with my city. The place likes the speed and I am going along with it. In the end there is no other place that sets your priorities more straight. And from my own experience, there is always time for what it is that you focus on. 

 

Crazy in Love II

So I finally let the first love go and there was no more perfect timing for the second one to enter my life. And so it did. A few months and a couple of days later, I met him in the most magical yet most distructive way. It was a rainy late October evening, 2009, a week after I came back from a month-long trip to Europe with my best friend Nadya. Something very stressful happened right after I came back and I felt that my world was turned upside down. I think that was the first time in my life when I felt that I was losing my ever so positive, truly genetic outlook on life (believe me I was born with it!).

Anyway I had a date that night with someone I dated for a couple of month prior to my trip and, let’s just say, the stars were not shining bright for us. Ed was an amazing person indeed, but after the trip and the dreadful event that happened when I came back, I knew he wasn’t the one and that night couldn’t make it clearer. We had some food, wine, and once out on the street I had a fit when he said that I would be ok. How do you know I’d be ok, you have no idea what I’m dealing with at this point in my life. I knew right then he wasn’t fit for me and my life which was running 300 miles an hour at that point. No one’s fault really, it’s just that our lives were running on different speeds, and mine tending to always be way too ahead. 

As overwhelmed as I was all I could do is say back “ I don’t know if I’ll be ok”, turn around, and run. The truth is, at that moment I knew I wanted a man who would say “Don’t you worry, I’ll make sure everything will be ok”. As complete and self-sufficient as I am, that was the moment, that rare window of opportunity, for the guy to step in and show me his charge. I wanted more passion. True to myself, when the opportunity doesn’t present itself, I tend to run away (I’m working on it) to find where it will. So I ran, I don’t know for how long, but it was long enough to realize that my date wasn’t after me to say the words I was hoping to hear.

 All I remember is that at some point I stopped and realized I had no idea where I was, I felt as foggy as the air. It wasn’t raining yet but I felt my face wet and my whole body shaking. I stopped. My practical self saw a person approaching and stopped him to ask for directions. Again, I don’t remember how it all happened, but that’s how I met him. He told me where the train was and I said that I didn’t want that particular train, maybe there was another one? I didn’t want any train, I think, at that point. I needed a boat to take me far away to the ocean and sail away from everything. He found it amusing so that even when it started raining he didn’t realize it. It was two of us standing on the corner of some street in West village, with rain and strangers passing by, that we felt something different. When I asked him if he wanted to open his umbrella, he asked me if I wanted to go to “Pravda” for a drink. That was the beginning of my 2nd love. We became an item right away, I called him a boy-friend only after a month of being together. 

So here is the thing I have to tell you. It was true love but it was painful love. You’ll see why. I met him when I wasn’t my usual complete self, the one that is happy and satisfied with her life and herself. I didn’t feel complete at that point. I know I am not a super woman and allowed to feel less than complete at some points. But those are rare for me and that point was the most incomplete moment I ever felt. I think I was lost and was looking for someone to guide me, to help me find the way back to my usual happy and optimistic self. 

I believe that which is like onto itself is drawn, so I attracted the partner who was in the same boat as me. He was also looking for salvation and guidance. We were on the same wavelength right then. 

My heart was sinking and it had no problem going along with his sinking heart. But my mind was shouting louder than ever that I had to leave, that he would not be able to give me what I wanted, that he was too conflicting for my world. The battle between those two lasted for the next year and several months. I just knew the moment of being lost was temporary to me and would pass shortly. However, his moment was already several years old with no clear site for a change. Naturally, I got back to my complete self within several month. and when he didn’t, my heart started listening to my mind. I was torn. I loved him, I would do anything. But I can’t sacrifice my life, my soul. I was willing to sacrifice my desires, and I did. I let them go. But I could never sacrifice my heart. In the end, I still loved myself more and would never go against my instincts. 

So I had to go, there was no space for me in his troubled world. And even stripping myself of all my desires and willing to just go for love, I couldn’t forgo myself. 

It ended the same way it started: fast and dramatic. I cried for a week, I analyzed for a month, and in several months I let it go. I wasn’t willing to drag it for as long as my first love, I'd learned my lesson already. This time I knew who I was and what I was looking for. And it was a great strong heart looking for a happy love. Yes, I didn't want to be crazy in love anymore, I want to be happy in love.

One of my friends likes to say Third time is a charm, when he refers to his 3rd marriage. And I take his word for it. I believe that my third love will not only be a charm it will be a happy one..