Changes

Dear all,

Most of you have noticed that my blog has been acting out (technically). The only reason I have is that it was visited by some kind of world web virus. I hope it's not the US government snooping on me :)

Anyway, unfortunately, I need to re-direct my blogging activity to another blog of mine.

Please follow me at my other blog New York Life: http://newyorklf.blogspot.com/

Thank you all, and meet you at my other home!

Babies R'nt Us

Cheers all,

So just as soon as I embarked on a journey to find my true path I was cornered by my mother and sister about having a child. They pushed me to the wall, pressed the gun to my uterus and demanded I have a baby right Now.

Apparently I am running out of time to join the most exclusive club of motherhood. With every minute celebrating my glorious 30s, I am wasting my life away (according to my mom and my sister).
       
Well that just pisses me off. Isn't it every woman's right to decide what she wants to do with her life? Why are we still marginalized by the society into making us believe that the only way a woman makes a difference in this world is by procreating. Why those of us who don't participate in increasing the already overcrowded planet are looked at with pity at best?

 Why are we still alienated by our own lot (women) for not joining them in what sometimes seems to be a very disappointing and stressful experience?

Just because some women find their purpose in having children doesn't mean others do.

What about those women who are more conscious about responsibilities motherhood entails. We understand that bringing a child to this world isn't just a bow to our feminine nature. We actually think about the world we would have to bring a new life into, and how it's not the ideal world for a new life. We think about how most food these days is processed, toxic or genetically engineered, and obesity among kids is growing. We think about the polluted air and water, and melting arctic ice. We think how the corporation is controlling our lives. We think of all the civil wars taking place in the world. We think how corrupted our government is. We don't trust our society anymore.
Then we stress about our jobs that only give 60 days of maternity leave, and there is no reliable and affordable day care available. We get anxious just thinking about leaving our child with some stranger at a day care, and run to work to be able to pay for it. Then we worry that having a child will put our career at risk, just because it does.
We realize that we don't have "the whole village" to raise a child, we only have ourselves, and if we are lucky  a reliable partner.

If anything we are more responsible and practical about motherhood, and are fully aware whether we are ready to bring a new life into this world or not.

I am not saying that having a child is completely out of the question for me and other women of my generations. But we are not driven by primal instincts, and when or if we decide to have a child it will be a deliberate decision based on weighted options and solid reasons, and the God's will of course.

Update

Cheers lovers,

Today, I've taken an inventory of my blogging activity, which quite frankly shocked me. I hardly wrote anything this year.

The slowdown was inevitable in some way, since I wasn't dating anymore. But the blog became a part of me in the last 3 years, it was my creative outlet, my spiritual outburst. Writing it and expressing myself helped me find myself and most importantly, accept myself completely. In the last year, I tried to convince myself that the mission was accomplished, and now I could move on to the next project. I would occupy myself with many other things, keeping myself busy. But in the end, I had to accept the truth - I get lost without writing, I get off track. It's as if I am shutting a very important part of myself down, the part that is responsible for my creations, the one that connects me with my soul.

So I am back.

I am back to New York Love, back to you, and to myself.

I am planning to set out a new mission for myself that will bring me back here over and over again.
I am planning a search for my true calling. For now that's all I am going to share, but tune in all my fellow New Yorkers, those who are searching, those who are curious, for we are on a mission to find our true path. To connect to our soul, to find our passions, to embark on our own life journey.

Namaste

What If...

We stop wasting time when we stop asking ourselves "What if" - Sasha D.

Cheers all,

Recently I found myself breaking one of the cardinal "happiness" rules: asking myself "What if"?
What if I didn't come to NY? What if I stayed closer to my family? What if I went to Journalism school like I wanted? What if I pursued "dream" career? What if, what if, what if....

I am deeply aware that dwelling on this question does not only make one unhappy, it also makes one unproductive, unfruitful if you will. Yet sometimes the force is too strong to handle. I am a thinker after all.

I've spent months searching my soul; although torturing my soul, would probably be a more suitable reference here. I was trying to look back and imagine what would have happened, would I have felt more fulfilled, would I have felt more purpose then? I was relentless, I even got upset that it was probably too late to change anything now... I was too hard on myself, without even realizing it. I wasn't my own best friend.

What happens as a result of this?
Besides, feeling dissatisfied with your life, and mounting stress, you start loosing vision of your current life, vision of your future goals. You become dis-attached from the flow of life, you stop listening to your soul. It's as if you gave your soul a time-out blaming it for personally not being in the place you think you should be. The soul doesn't take it well, it gets sad, it cries, it eventually goes into a dark place.
Just writing these words, makes me emotional for having been so disregarding and even awful to the most important essence of my whole being, to my soul.
But I finally was able to raise my eyes, to open my heart and notice what I was doing. Not a minute will be wasted on this useless questioning.
The truth is we'll never know what would have been if we had chosen one way over the other. It could have been better, or it could have been worse. We could have been more accomplished, or not. We could have been more happy, or not. This is the question we'll never be able to answer, just like the question of life. It's not meant to be answered, for it is the essence of life.

 I stop, I change my course, I beckon to my soul, I realize that I've done the best I could, I accept myself. and then beyond, I thank myself for being where I am, for being strong, for being present. I thank myself for being alive, and being the light. I let my "what if's" float away on a not returnable ship. I choose to live my life gracefully, even though I might never find the answer. I dare to look at the present, and perhaps the future. I let my soul tell me what IS.

And I end up asking myself "What is"? I am still a thinker...

Friday: Happy Day or a Wake-up Call?

Cheers All,

It's been awhile since I came here, and it's been too long since I wrote. I've been letting my NYL blog quietly retire. Pause. I know I just dropped a big word there, the one that dooms the near ending. But life is about endings and beginnings, and everything has its own cycle. I feel, I know that NYL is nearing its end...

Anyway, when something stirs in me, I have to release it, and I run back here.
Today, Friday in New York city (as in many other places I suspect), I've heard this phrase too many times to ignore it any longer. It seems that today, Friday, has become somewhat of a holiday based on all the "Happy Fridays" flying out almost everyone's mouth at work and around me. I admit "Happy Friday" is nothing new, but did I ever hear it so many times before?! It seemed more festive today than usual.

Anyway, it got me thinking. From time to time, my thoughts drift back to this "illusionary holiday", and it's had a considerate evolution over time. I must say it made sense when I was in school, as it seemed like I had no choice but to attend it. However, as soon as I left parents' house (around 19), and started supporting myself completely, I could never quite grasp the meaning of a "Happy Friday".
I don't exclude the fact, that working on Friday nights for a year while in college had to do something with it. But it's a mere moment of my life.
Ok, as any professional New Yorker, I had my 60 (sometimes 80) hour weeks. Now, however, Friday is officially my last day of work. The reason I am sharing all this information with you is because I want to show that I've been on both sides of the table. And still I've always been deeply disturbed by the "Happy Friday".

Why? Well doesn't it seem somewhat pathetic? It's as if we haven't lived for the first 5 days of the week, and only Saturday and Sunday hold salvation. Only during those 2 days can we finally enjoy our lives.
Too discriminating to Mon-Fri, and too much pressure on Sat-Sun, if you ask me.

But seriously, isn't it too much of our time that we are just getting through? 5 days out of 7 is 71% of our time. Why are we spending 71% of our time in such a way that all we have is to look forward to the remaining 29%? And it's all over again, week after week, and so on.

If it's true that we can't wait to get through the week, living from the weekend to the weekend, why not find ways to change it?
Is it our complacency that won't let us break this destructive cycle? "Happy Friday" people are not particularly miserable, but they are not happy either. It's as if they are serving time. Isn't life more than that? If you don't think you're living your life while at work, why not change it? Why not look for your path, pursue your passions? It could be as simple as building relationships with colleagues and finding meaning in any work. Work in itself could have a meaning.

I don't want to be hard on those who love their Fridays, I myself get caught up in this trap sometimes (though rarely), but I do want to make them think. Make them wonder. When I started noticing that Friday seemed more exciting to me than other days, it made me think, What can I change? How can I make every day count? How can I live my life Monday through Sunday, no day wasted?

Doubt: friend or foe?

If you ask me what is a silent killer of any relationship or any dream, I'll tell you it's a doubt.
Naturally, I dislike the feeling, it's the hardest to shake off, it creeps up on you and, if not uprooted, will ultimately erode the foundation of any creation.
The truth is we all face doubt at some point, be it in a relationship, work or any other life area.

The question is how to deal with it?

I wish I had a perfect answer that would apply to all. I don't. Yet I am willing to make an effort and look for a solution. Sometimes just a search for it is already half of a solution.

First, I want to answer Can doubt be good at all? Could it help us see something that we don't want to see? Could it be an indicator of an issue we are trying to avoid?
If we are still not sure, can we turn to trust? Trust could be the best cure for doubt. But how do you know that the prescription of trust is the right one, and not just a temporary pain killer to subside the pain? And if it's the soul that is hurting (which most likely it is) will it swallow any "prescription" to just numb the pain?

Not a big fan of artificial sedatives in any situation, I want to find a natural cure for the soul.

Trust is good but it's still a forced feeling that depends on outside factors, it's fragile. I want to be cured from within. I want to be healed eternally.

What clearly comes to me is Love. I think my soul just whispered it to my heart. Love is natural, it's the core of our being, of life itself. When love is embraced, all pain is gone. Love soothes the soul from within as an internal, inborn light. Loving yourself first, embracing your fears and doubts, letting them phase in the light of love, letting the light shine through you, loving others. Letting the healing light of love wrap you holistically, and surround you protectively but open you lovingly. It's always within waiting to rescue. It's like an emergency care that never sleeps, that rushes when called. We just need to remember the number to call. The soul knows the number, it's dying to call it. We just need to remember. We just need to surrender. 

Recycling - Green or desperate?

Cheers my sexy readers!

This week I've been going through all of the work-in-progress posts (the ones I started but never finished). Sometimes, we have a brilliant idea, we write it down, but then abandon it due to whatever reasons. I started feeling kind of bad for them (ideas), I imagined them being so excited to be born, almost like little sprouts, but then being halted and neglected. I know I can be very imaginative:)

So I've decided to give my darling "scapegoats" a well-deserved right to live.

This one is from a year ago. Happened during my workout at the Reebok Sports Club, when I accidentally (if there is such a thing) overheard another member talking to her trainer about relationships.

The conversation went something like this: "How did you get married? You fell madly in love with your husband?" (personal trainer asking the woman). Her response: "No! We just kinda got used to each other, and then it was time, so we got married. It'd better be married than see what my single girl-friends go through these days." Trainer: "What do you mean?" Woman: "they can't seem to meet a nice guy, so most of them go back to dating those they dated in the past but didn't want to settle for."

Hmmm (said both, the trainer and myself). I remember my reaction a year ago. Besides my natural curiosity for the subject, I felt sad. Isn't it like lowering your standards? It's as if a woman's image of herself suffered from not finding love, and she decided that all she could do is settle for the best available option. Really sad. and Pathetic. I am sorry, but I have to say it. Because having a strong sense of herself is woman's nature. She is a goddess who brings life to this Earth. Why do women forget about their Divine, and degrade themselves due to social misconceptions of being single. It seems that it's more acceptable to be married to a completely wrong person (and ruin life of 2 of them, plus to partners they could have made happy) than being alone.

I know it's not all black and white, and there are exceptions to all situations. But in this particular case, it seemed more like a desperate need to be with someone rather than be alone.

Why are we so terrified of being alone? Why don't we love ourselves enough to feel compete? Lastly how can we believe that we can find someone to make us happy before we are happy alone?

It's been said and will be said many times by me and others: We need to fall in love with ourselves first. Become our own best friend and lover, and then, only then feel compelled to share all this love we have inside. A woman glowing in her Bliss is irresistible. She is a Goddess, she is a wolf. She doesn't recycle men, she finds her wolf to run with.

A come-back

Cheers lovers,

I know I've been avoiding my blog (and you) for months now. In few posts during that time, I'd drop a line promising to explain my disappearance in the near future. "Near future" is subjective but even I agree, in my case, it took a very long time.

The time has come, the secret is ready to be revealed.
I've got a lover. Call it a partner, boy-friend, man. I personally prefer "lover" for obvious reasons:)
If you recall this blog's main objective was to find love. I started it 2+ years ago as a single gal, getting over a painful break-up with my 2nd love. Instead of closing my heart and throwing a key into the ocean, I decided to open it and let it guide me to find love again.
For 2 years, I shared with you my experiences, good or bad, mostly fun, sometimes even frisky... I dated, I ran away to Vegas, I tried many things, but mainly I was learning to be happy on my own.
And I did. Just last summer (July 2012), I realized something (the most) important thing in life: Love is already there, inside your heart. No need to look for it, for it will be escaping you for as long as you do. It might be strong but it's unobtrusive, it wants you to find it for yourself. It's waiting patiently and quietly. And when you do, it will whisper from your heart, it will fill your soul with love so complete that you'll never have to look outside yourself anymore. It will be your light and guide.

So I finally came to that point in my life. I realized how loved I was, how complete I was. And it was then that I stopped looking for love from outside myself. Not long after, we met, then we fell in love, and then started a relationship.
So you see, I couldn't be as devoted to my blog anymore, for the objective changed. In a way, mission was accomplished.
I did miss my blog, for it'd become my child, the window to my soul. And I visited it now and then. But it felt different this time. I knew I had to take a new direction.
Naturally, a new blog idea came along. This is coming soon.

But saying good bye turned out to be harder than I thought. We'd been together for 2 years after all.
So I still want to come here, I want to write, but my posts will be different. I know I'll want to share new experiences, inspire others, and most importantly, connect with my soul.

My mood

This is what I've been feeling lately: the picture says it all.

My day at the beach

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Cheers

It's official I've been MIA with my NY Love blog for almost a month. While I posted on my new blog NY Life, I completely ignored my first born, since it's more personal. I am sorry.

Life hasn't been just hectic, it's been extremely consuming and transformational in the past month. I think I've come so much closer to learning who I am and what I truly want from my life. A lot of things came to light, and made me realize that some of them were dead for awhile, and needed to be let go. I was able to see "my anchors", the things(people) that were holding me back from going forward. I was able to see a clear desire to move forward and leave the stuff that was holding me back behind me, no matter how emotional it had been. 

As much as it's hard to do an inventory of your life, it's just as liberating and promising. All my life I've been striving to become a better version of myself, but only now have I learned that it takes more than positive attitude. It takes tough decisions. It takes hard-core re-evaluation of your thoughts, your actions, and people in your life. It takes practical and conscious understanding of your "anchors". I know it sounds philosophical to say the least. In reality, it's spiritual and necessary in order to move forward. 

So that's been a month for me, the time I've been going through a lot of thinking, connecting and finding out who I am and what I want out of life. The bad part: some things (thoughts, actions, people) needed to be let go, tough decisions were made. The good part: I'm in touch with myself and those around me, I am conscious about reality, I know what I want. The most amazing thing: I realized whenever I was going thru the same transformational period (which happened a few times in my life), I was extremely productive and successful in anything I would undertake. Clear vision, in my opinion, is the most important variable in a success formula. 

In the end, I couldn't be more excited to be in this place in my life. Only good things will or already happening out of this.

As for my romantic endeavors (after all this is the major focus of this blog), there's been plenty. You know me, it just happens :) But I didn't make a big deal out of them (also for the first time), and made sure to stay extremely cool and collected. After all, desert is best when it's served last!

Love to you all, and wisdom.

Summer is here!!

Cheers all,

I know I've been no-show for awhile now, and I know some of you have been curious... (Linka love you...)
So just wanted to drop a line and give a status on my whereabouts.

First, work as usual. I just love financial reporting and analysis, never lets you get out of shape..

Second, I've been very busy socially. It seems as if all my friends have never been so present since my college years. Girl-friends are precious, could never imagine my life without them.

Third, I've been dating of course :) many guys, many options, but this time I'm pacing myself. Never spread myself thin, and even less so these days. But yes, there is a lot of interest and all I have to do is make sure I am being smart and patient. By the way, ladies, I found the best solution on how to weed out the ones who are only in it for some thrills. Wait on getting intimate. I know it's hard with the one you can't wait to get your hands on, and get hot, hot, hot (it's always been my weakness;). But if you ever find yourself in a situation similar to mine: a lot of interest, a lot of guys, and you want to make sure you choose the right one to be a great boy-friend and not just a fling. My word of advice: Wait. Just wait. and see who will stand the time. He'll be the guy and he'll get the hot-hot-hot, and you'll be happy. Just take your time girl. You'll never regret this.

Lastly, I am so on my blog. I already have at least 3 new posts in project, just need to be done with all my work deadlines to finish them. Also I started thinking on developing another blog, sister blog if you will, which will focus on fashion, mostly on how to dress and look stylish in NYC and do it on the budget. It's coming I promise.

As for now, let me get thru with my deadlines this and next week. Besides I have some interesting meetings this week, which I make sure to cover on my blog.

Happy summer everyone. It's my favorite season, and I wish you all to enjoy it. Get sexy, have fun.

 P.S. Last week I found the most gorgeous chair in the world (pic). It sure will be in my house, once I move out of NYC and having a house won't seem like a utopian idea anymore :)

à la française

You know your life has made a turn when you find yourself on a New York Sunday afternoon having brunch with a crowd of 8 French.
Exactly where I found myself this lovely Sunday afternoon, and let me tell you, not have only had I a good time, I've felt just as comfortable as I did the whole time I was in Paris 2 years ago.

First of all, in their unmistakable French way, they managed to find in NY a place that had the most perfectly cooked eggs Benedict and french fries, with linen covered tables and unlimited champagne. Secondly, they spoke French, exchanged sassy smiles, and used expressive hand gestures and I felt in my element.
Not to sound like a Francophile but I happen to feel at ease with the French and in France. Maybe it has to do with my European background or the fact that I was raised on French music and movies, whatever the reason, their language has always been the music to my ears. And whenever I hear about their famously arrogant attitude (even from the French themselves) I argue with passion that I've never encountered such.
Still today I've given more thought on my complete acceptance of all French and realized that it had to do with other than their perfect style, impeccable taste and natural sexiness. I believe it has to do with their absolute honesty. They say what they think, they mean what they say, they do what they mean. Whether one might find it pleasing or not, I respect it above all. Honesty of a character and actions that support it are admirable to me for one (though not the only) reason: I never have to second guess. I'd rather know the truth and straight to my face. The French not only know how to do it, they do it. Knowing that one means what one says and is not hesitant to say it doesn't turn me off. Quite the opposite, it builds on my trust and respect. Cheers to that.

Hope everyone had a lovely Sunday today in NY and everywhere else. 

My favorite word

It just happens I usually have a favorite word at a certain period of my life. You know the one you just always notice whenever someone says it and it's like music to your ears. You almost right away feel affinity for that person, simply because they said "your" word.. Although there are some words that make you want to gag when you hear them but this post isn't about them. The word you love is different; it has a special place in your heart for it certainly breaks the lock and goes straight to the bottom of it. I don't know if I am alone in this passion for words but those who have this illogical if not insane affection as well will understand what I am expressing here.

Anyway for a long period the word "Amazing" held that special place, then I fancied "Sweet", "Super", etc... They would come and go. And for about 2 years I didn't fancy anything. I think my ex-partner's obsession with word "Awesome" was too much too handle and I just couldn't make a room for my own. Not till last month at least..

Yes, just the way love sneaks up on us, a new favorite word found the way to my heart suddenly and unexpectedly. And it's not "Love", in case you are taking a guess. My new favorite word is "Sure".

It was in Spain when Javi and I were talking about something. He said something to which I replied with my somewhat usual "Really?" it was then when he said "Sure" in such a lovely affirmative way that my heart just melted. Like there was no doubt, no confusion. My mind responded with unquestionable trust and my heart opened and welcomed a new favorite word.

Then I've heard it several times and every time my heart would just expand with joy. It's so physical I can't control it. That's how I know that I love something.

I was happy to have my new word though I noticed how different it is from the ones I loved in the past. It wasn't as sweet as others, it couldn't be used in almost any sentence, definitely can't be used in any response. In fact, I think the true meaning of "Sure" is very rare in our modern life, especially here in New York. The word has many meanings, of course, but the one that I love and refer to (affirmation to something said that erases any doubt) is truly rare this days.

I think re-assurance has never been more important to me. And I just hope that I'll be hearing more of "Sure" in a rightful and deserving way, of course.

A Giant Umbrella

This post I want to start with a silly question. What is more ridiculous than a bow tie? giving you 10 seconds, go. Answer: A giant umbrella. You didn't see that coming did you?

Well I'll tell you what, I noticed a giant umbrella's existence long ago but today while walking home in the rain I just couldn't ignore its presence anymore. You know which one I am talking about? It usually has a company's logo on it and it's by all standards huge, gigantic indeed. It's like a cherry grown on pesticides. It's oversized. I can't stop. It could fit 5 of me (size 2 and grinning:) under it. You get the point!

Seriously it takes up half the street. And who carries it but a guy in a suit, with a tie. Of course, it's not even him carrying it, its his ego all the way. Here is my message to all of you, clean cut guys out there, when you know it's going to rain and you'll be proudly parading with your giant umbrella please put on a bow tie. That way you'll kill two birds with one stone. Just a tip and free of charge.

What would Freud say about such a distasteful display? Small penis perhaps? Just curious..

Anyway this post is in no way to offend the proud owners of a gigantic umbrella given them at some company's event or as a gift from someone who has a small penis. I do realize it could be due to the fact that it was the only umbrella available and who wants to get wet? Though I have more sympathy for the people with umbrellas that look like a spider web and just as dangerous to get close to for they will poke you in the eye. We all have them. It's the destiny of all umbrellas bought from a guy on the street for 5 bucks. Just get one and you'll find out for yourself.
This post is just to give you an idea what it looks like to an innocent observer. Me.

And what umbrella did I have today? As simple as it gets, no umbrella. Yes, I walked 45 blocks with rain falling on me. I was wet from head to toe which I so much more prefer than a giant umbrella taking up half the street, knocking off everyone walking by, and sending a questionable message about my sexuality..

All or Nothing

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Anais Nin

It still amazes me how we people might perceive certain things other than they truly are. Specifically, how we see someone first, only to have our opinion change later on once we get to know the person. It happens all the time. Just think of a person you thought was this and that, and then once you got to know them better you realized how wrong your initial perception was..
I usually don't have many of those experiences due to my natural gift of perception and intuition (if no one praises you...) But I do have those moments and I am happy when the person turns out more beautiful than I originally thought.
But what amazes me the most is how I hear people tell me about their initial perception of me.. It's true, we live our lives within, it's the world we have inside ourselves. But I just didn't know how different my inner world could be from some of the perceptions people have of me. I believe it applies to many people though, I am not an individual case..
Basically most people who don't know me that well and I would say don't have those natural perceptive abilities think me as emotionally strong, determined to a core, extreme perfectionist with little tolerance for weaknesses.. Basically a super woman with high demands from herself and others..
Well let me tell you this. I am not even 50% of that. Yes, I am strong and a perfectionist, but when it comes to emotions, I am a as a woman as it can get. I just learned how to control it, and my natural optimism is my perfect mask. Perfectionism.. Yes, I get impatient when people don't get it, when they are slow and not bright enough. But it's because of my own demands from myself. Believe me I am the toughest on myself to be fast and bright. I just forget sometimes that those are demands for myself and not others.
I have a few weaknesses, we all do. But they are not the ones most people think. Some of them are my constant need to be the best I can be, to do better..  To feel guilty when not doing anything.. To compare myself to others.. To feel pain for the homeless. To cry when an animal is hurt... To run away from fights with a partner.. To not return his calls until I am emotionally ready.. To shut down if someone screams at me.. To not being able to return once I said No.. To expect either all or nothing at all..
But I am working on them, and I do accept the fact that some weaknesses I'll never overcome. If an animal suffers i'll cry when I am 92 y.o.. I'll never accept someone screaming at me. never. But I am making an effort to learn to see the shades of grey, to let myself be lazy sometimes, to respond even if I don't want to, to not expect perfectionism from others.
In the end, learning to embrace my strengths more, which are much much grander than my weaknesses.

We'll never be perfect but we can be perfectly compatible with some. It's the knowledge of one's strengths and weaknesses, acceptance of them and authentic life that brings one closer to those who are compatible. This creates harmony where all traits become strengths.
Summary: Live your life authentically, accept yourself and let others be who they are. Follow your heart.  and remember that we all have different worlds within ourselves so never take anything personally. For the person who seems invincible and strong might be the most vulnerable one. Know thyself and let others be.

 

Tom Cruise and Yoga Teachers

Last Thursday, I went out with my friend to Otto, an Italian restaurant in the village. The place, the crowd and bartenders had a dramatic effect on me. I felt as if I was in one of Woody Allen's movies. Not surprisingly it was the night with my friend JM who, even though an American, has a very international and even somewhat European old school presence. It was somewhere between a glass of Rose and Medium Red that I started getting a sense of being transformed to a Woody Allen's scene. In fact, I almost felt to be in a different place and time.

First, whenever I meet JM, we talk about foreign places, people and cultures, books and writing. He’s been around the world and is the most worldly American I ever met. Our conversations themselves are very nostalgic to me, almost idealistic in a sense. The best way to describe it is I feel as if I am in the past time but as myself now. JM has an amazing ability to take me out of this hectic and stressful dynamic of NYC and make me feel as if I am in a glorious past when men were gentlemen and women - ladies.

Secondly, the place is truly Italian in a sense that bartenders are just like Italians: first mean and unaccommodating, only to turn into smiling and most helpful hosts if you hold your own and don’t get intimidated by their initial attitude. That’s how they test you. Be strong with them, be persistent but polite. This is just a little secret to an Italian’s heart.

So that is exactly how it went at Otto: JM lost his faith after 2 unsuccessful attempts to get the bartender’s attention. I knew that just one more try and my unwavering smile would make him go out of his way to make our time there a joy and wish to come back for more.  Sure thing, in a split of a second he pulled up 4 glasses and gave me a generous wine tasting. My friend was exhilarated. 

One man by the bar who, as I understood, was there almost every night was amazed with this transformation and sat right next to us to share in the glory. So we got ourselves a talkative neighbor which is lots of fun if you are in a mood for it...

Just when I thought I couldn’t feel anymore excited a new bartender came in. And I swear God, if he doesn’t look like Tom Cruise from the movie Cocktail than I need to see an eye doctor. The funniest thing was that I noticed him when he was trying to tell some people off. I wasn’t sure what they did but he seemed very serious and almost angry. That is till the moment I saw him, and interrupted his anger with my most genuine and cute I can’t believe you look just like Tom Cruise! I was so fascinated and my face showed it so clearly that the guy just became speechless. He was lost for words and I think almost emotionally struck that he just turned away and left. It was hysterical to those watching by.

Our neighbor was blown away, and didn’t want to leave my side from then on. Not even when 4 of his female friends showed up. The women were relaxed and I think very much enjoyed their company and the wine bought by their friend. In fact, they were so relaxed that hardly paid any attention to him. Maybe because of this serene aura around them or uncanny disinterest in men around (even the one they came to see), I found them look like Yoga teachers. Once I shared my thoughts with our neighbor, he reached the level of his amazement with my open and pretty much naive perception of the surroundings. He couldn’t get over it, it sounded so beautiful to him, he knew I was out of this world.. He said it was the best compliment you could give to a woman. In fact, if he likes a woman and wants to approach her, he’ll just ask her whether she is a Yoga teacher.. I was happy I made a difference for several people that night.

That’s when I realized that in what seemed like a movie, I felt my most authentic self: happy and joyful, like a Tinkerbell sprinkling her fairy dust on those around. And that is more real to my heart than anything else. 

If You Ever Loved Somebody Put Your Hands Up

I am immensely amazed whenever I hear people tell me that they’ve never been in love.

I know I should be understanding as there was a period in my life when I'd never experienced it. Yet whenever I hear this my eyes become larger than apples and all I can say is Really? How? Why?

Let me tell you, they are all normal people, at least they seemed to be. The fact that it was only men who ever confessed this important piece of information to me, made me re-consider that many times. Again men have their own ways that we women just don’t understand and never will. Yet I have no choice but to explore on this issue from my female perspective, hoping that in no way am I undermining men. I love you guys, and wouldn’t want to hurt you... But I am just too curious to pass on this subject.

First time, it happened 2 years ago, at my girl friend’s bachelorette party in Southampton, that a nice 33 y.o. guy confessed to me about his no-love experience. He was very cute and sweet. We talked for an hour, next hour we danced and it was a lot of fun (he might have been the most fun dancer I ever had). The last hour we kissed and it was even more fun as my friends literally had to pull me away from him and drag me back into a limo to go home. 

After that night, Ed and I dated for about 2 months, and I never could understand how is it such a sweet guy never was in love. I almost wanted to stick around longer to see how he falls in love with me and prove to myself (and maybe the rest of the world) that it was simply a matter of time and he was no stranger to love, he was one of us.. 

The second confession came from his closest friend, also a 33 y.o. guy. I found Stan very funny and witty. He had the looks and he was sharp. I even tried to set him up with my girl friend. And again I was sure that it was just temporary. A guy like that can’t go on in life without love. 

Since it didn’t work out for Ed and I, I forgot about this matter for awhile. Actually until last night, when a nice 35 y.o. guy confessed to me the exact same thing. My eyes became apples and instantly I remembered Ed and his friend Stan. Today it got me thinking even more. How is it that those guys have never been in love. And I am sure it’s not just them, there are more of them out there. So my questions is to all of them How is it that you never had your heart beating for someone else? 

I don’t remember if I ever asked Ed and Stan this question or it didn’t go beyond my bigger than apples eyes and a gasp. But I sure asked this question the guy last night. He said he didn’t want to have his heart broken. And I understood him, my eyes came back to their normal size and it made perfect sense to me. Of course, I was in love twice and maybe falling now again (will tell you later..) and, Man, it hurts.. Love hurts and whoever says it doesn’t found the secret that I want to know..

It hurts even when you are with them because of all the insane demands we have for our partners. If partners are not on the same wavelength it creates a feeling of a huge responsibility that not many can handle. Name at least one person who is fine with it. It gets overwhelming for both with expectations and demands, which in the end hurts both. I am not talking about those happy couples who are so in sync that they won’t even understand what I am talking about here. I am speaking for those whose relationships fell apart or not as smooth as they wish to be.

As much as it made sense to me last night, I still wouldn’t change a thing about my past 2 loves. Love, no matter how painful it was at times, made me experience myself and grow internally like nothing else. It made me feel alive. When I love I am life, and I feel eternal. Death has no meaning then, for when I love I know it is not as important as the love I have. And that is the reason I can’t wait to fall in love again.. I want to die in love..

In the end, I haven’t found the answer on why those guys and many others have never experienced love. But I hope one day they will. For they’ll see that the pain associated with it faints compared to the Love itself.

New York Minute

New York is a fast paced city. If the rest of the world goes at a speed of 60 miles/hr, NYC speeds at all 300. 

That was the reason I loved it in the first place. As soon as I stepped out of the bus at Columbia University campus 10 years ago, I knew we were meant to be. I felt that I’d found my place. With so many people and movement I never felt so blended in, so belonged yet so on my own. New York is that rare place where you may find yourself in a big whirl of action yet in a complete solitude. It’s hard to explain to those who never lived in the city. 

Anyway there is a time oxymoron when it comes to NY. As fast as we are when it comes to every day life, we are extremely slow when it comes to relationships. The place where millions of dollars are traded on NYSE within seconds gets to a snail’s pace when it comes to investing in a relationship. Arranging a date is a big project that could take weeks or even months. Everyone is too busy to squeeze in some romance in a hectic life filled with jobs, commute, work out, etc. 

I myself had been in this circle far too long to complain about others. Yet now that I finally decided to make a room for my personal life I feel somewhat frustrated. The reason being my speed in this area is the same 300 miles/hr but most people seem to be going at a snail’s pace still. I always felt that I was a little too fast in all areas of my life: work, plans, friends, partners. For some reason I just don’t like to drag things and like to get to the result asap. I am impatient to a core. As soon as I know what it is I want I am there as we say in a New York minute.

Believe me there were moments where I would take my time with moving forward in a relationship but I would always state it so there was no confusion and I would state it in a NY minute. I want to send my biggest apology to all the dates that didn’t happen because I just couldn’t find the time in my busy schedule. Sorry guys!! It was just bad timing. 

And it’s not that I’ve slowed down, I still need the time for the gym to run my 15+ miles a week, time to write my blog, time to drink wine with my girl-friends and talk about “the weather”.. But I’m finally in a place where I don’t work 60-70 hours a week and am able to spend more on my personal life. 

Therefore I am so amazed how other people can’t pick up the speed when it comes to dating. If I was able to once I realized I cared about it, why can’t they? Is it because they don’t care or simply because they can’t have such high speed in all areas of their lives? 

The guy I dated for a couple of months after my last break up in December (refer to my blog about texting) was just not up to speed. I realize we met 2 years ago and it took us 2 years to finally start dating. But once we started and I knew I wanted you I didn’t need you to be patient. I am there and ready for action. Don’t give me 5pm or later, tomorrow or after tomorrow. Tell me it is now!! Make up your mind.

Maybe I am impatient and unreasonable (feel free to tell me) but I am just going in sync with my city. The place likes the speed and I am going along with it. In the end there is no other place that sets your priorities more straight. And from my own experience, there is always time for what it is that you focus on. 

 

Run Sasha Run

First, I acknowledge the fact that I am using the title from a great German movie “Run Lola Run”. (recommend!) Second, I promise I don’t need 100,000F to save my boy-friend’s life and there is only 20 min left to do so. The reason I chose this title is solely because running is my salvation, especially more so these days or any days I feel a need to release my tension.

I wasn’t a runner all my life; in fact, in school I would come up with all sorts of excuses to not run a pathetic 1m we had to do every morning. At the university, I got more creative with my reasons, there was always a period that was super long and sometimes twice a month. Seriously, at some point my trainer started keeping a calendar with my cycles! I still have night mares when he shows up in my dreams with that calendar and a big F for the semester in my gym class (we had those in Russia, I guess to keep us away from drinking or drugs). 

I think that resistance was because I refused to do something with my body that wasn’t my choice, period. In any case, because of the above mentioned experiences I didn’t discover one of my biggest passions till later in my life, about 3 year ago and by my own choice. 

I signed for the gym 3 year ago as I knew I couldn’t spend all of my little precious time outside the office at the bookstores or drinking wine. So I went and I tried and the more I did, the more I liked it. I discovered something truly amazing. Running makes me happy. It releases any negative emotions, tensions, etc. I feel liberated. It is my meditation in motion. 

How hadn’t I known about this love for so long. I knew I always was a fast walker, even if I wasn’t in a rush I rushed. I love speed.

It got me thinking then Why is it that I am always in a rush and running makes me happy? Is it because I am running away from something that bothers me or running to something that I yet don’t have? Could it be both? I know that I would run faster and more when I was going through difficult times in my last relationship. I was running away from the decisions I had to make. Once decisions were made, I would run even more from the consequences. Then I would stop or lower my speed for a while to gain even a faster pace later. 

These days I run the fastest and longest. But I am happy to admit that at least now I am no longer running away from but running to. What it is I am running to I am not entirely sure myself but the journey makes me happy. And there is nothing more important than a happy run.

I know one day I'll stop running from or to, and I will solely run because I love it, especially that I'll know that this love I can always count on.

Test Revelation

It happened last week when I was taking some personality test. I mean I know who I am and long past that period when personality tests made a lot of sense. Remember, What is Your Dream Guy? or How Goddess Are You? No, my favourite is What Animal Would You Be? I think I was a dog or a cat? maybe both.. Anyway, the test I was taking last week was about relationships I think. There was a question What did you like in your most successful relationship?

What did I like?! In my most successful relationship?! I had the moment when everything just went blank. If there is a program in my mind similar to the one in computers I think it just froze and then shut down when I realized that I didn’t have the most successful relationship, any successful relationship, in fact. Really if I did then I wouldn’t be single would I? Unless of course if the partner died or was kidnapped by aliens. I mean really I wouldn’t even be taking a relationship test if I had a successful relationship. Why would I need a relationship test? To test how successful it is on a scale from 1 to10 with 10 being the most successful? 

How can it be that in 10 years of dating I still haven’t had a successful relationship. I had  long term relationships, I had short ones, I dated men from different backgrounds, different countries, and none of them was a success. Even my 4.5 year relationship turned out not successful when crying on the floor I had to admit to him and mostly to myself that I wasn’t in love anymore. And if I am not in love, I am not in a relationship. That’s why I had short relationships or no relationship relationships (understand to your ability please). And what is love that I need to make me be in a relationship? I guess I would know the answer to that question if I had a successful relationship. Ok, now I am being sarcastic.

But the saddest part is that all these years I thought that I had great relationships, I was great, the men I was with were great. I even told my friends that I was proud of all my ex’s and had great relationships. It wasn’t till last week when I was taking a freaking test that I don’t even remember what was about that I realized that I was clueless all these years. I am still saying that men I dated were great, and I am great! But us together - not so great. 

After a little bit more of soul searching I realized it was because we (all my ex’s and I) were not to be. We were together for a reason and once there was no reason we parted. So it is not that I am a failure when it came to relationships, I was just gaining my experience. Or as we say it in a career world, working on my resume. 

I forgive myself for not having had success so far cause I know that now since I’ve built a strong resume success is next to follow.